Horrifying weekend.....

Gosh... where do I start? Many things happened over the weekend.... Had many plans laid out for the family but all came undone... :(.

Firstly, I came down with diarrhea... yeah.. too much lemang and rendang... then last night, my aunt was taken to UH and is seriously ill... was at Emergency ICU for almost the whole night.. am on EL today.. just got up from my sleep actually... In many ways, I feel for my aunt as she has been the one that has helped us a whole lot during our childhood days... with her 2 kids now overseas, she really has no one to care for her and it was up to her brother to arrange and care for her.. notwithstanding that he has his own family... so I can't really sit idle and watch so we all chipped in to help in whatever way possible. Not from a big family so, help from family members is scarce. Am still groggy from the whole night's episode.

She has been staying in a nursing home for the last 5 years and recently she moved to a new place despite our objections.. well, she is hard headed.. and that is an understatement. Then the whole thing came apart... a week into the new place where there are no nurses and doctor to care for her, she fell horribly ill last night and we are still not sure of what is wrong with her. Maybe its not a good thing to share her plight here but I just can't help wondering... just like my mum before she passed on, she is living on borrowed time but her faith has kept her going on for the last 15 years and I really admire her for that. I think that if really I was in her shoes, I would have given up long time ago.

Now, the idea of this article is not so much about her illness nor about her faith and will to live... I guess, it really set me thinking what would I be thinking or what would I be doing if I were in her position... what would you have done? Decline all medication and die a painful death? Opt for medication to prolong life that would not improve? What is the purpose? What purpose? I mean, when my mum was taken ill back then, I told my family, that we must do all possible that she leaves only when God say its time... looking back, the question begs answer is, do we know when God says its time? Or are we acting out of our own selfish ends to not lose the one you love by prolonging his/her agony or are we doing the only humane thing possible so as not to lose a life? I have been grappling with this question since my mum's passing two years ago and last night, I revisited the questions and issues... what is humane? what is the right thing to do?

I do not have the answers but maybe some others do... gave life a hard look last night and I came out blank... shrugged my shoulders and told God, "If my time is up, Lord, take me home. I do not wish to face the ordeal. I may disappoint myself and You, God, if you know what I mean."