Friday, October 10, 2008

Fragility of Life

Its been so many years... sometimes we take a person's presence for granted... when my mom got her stroke when I was in my early 20s and somewhat she survived but with damage already done she was pretty okay until 1999 when she developed end renal failure... it was not until late 2000 that she had to go on the haemodialysis machine.. that again was shortlived... her heart and blood level does not permit and she has to go on peritoneal dialysis from 2001 till her passing in 2006. The pain and trouble that she has to go through, I guess, unless you are in the position, one will not be able to fathom the pain, agony and despair... For dad, he had been a wonderful husband throughout, faithfully caring for her, performing the peritoneal dialysis on mum 5 times a day without fail... of course her passing has been hard on him... the only woman that he had loved and the one that he had lived with for the best part of his life. Yet, those were the days and memory to cherish nonetheless but the pain at times can still be as fresh as the day we lost her...

Today, as I reflect on that and that of my aunt on life support... latest news I had is that she may not last the night. Though her daughter is already here, the son is on the way back from US of A will probably not get to be at her bedside when she leaves this world... I reflect upon the passing of a generation... their years of undying love and passion to see their kids and kids of their siblings grow up to be useful people.. to be successful... never refuse to help when it is required... the number of times, she has helped us emotionally, financially and above all has been so motherly to everyone of us just as my mom is to her kids...

See, we rather she goes off than face the agony of great pain and torture, yet deep inside, the hurt of losing one that you love is so great.. I just cannot explain that right now. No doubt she is just my aunt but on many occasions, she has come about as more than just that and we are going to lose her.... how selfish can I be? How can I? Not have the chance to say goodbye? I was reluctant to because I had wanted her to get well! Am I being selfish? Self centred? Ungrateful? If I do not get the chance to tell her that? She can't hear us no more...

Then again, like my mum, I know she is true to all of us and would have understood our intentions despite no words being said at times... but I cringe now, as I had when I was not at my mum's side when she passed on... for not being able to say what's in my heart when it mattered most...

Guess, I am going now to the hospital to face the inevitable.... I just hope that God will forgive me for being such a hard headed... stubborn man who seldom speak his emotions...


fergie said...

I empathise with you, Kevin and I am so sorry you have to go through the agony of losing a loved one. It's good you'll be there to give moral support to your cousins. I have been at the bedside of some loved ones during their last moments and I know how difficult it is to let go and accept the fact that they will not be with us anymore. Take care and see you again when you feel up to it.

Pete said...

I feel sorry for you. Take good care of yourself also.

Anonymous said...

OMG, semua emo today. My entry also got reflect about death and about how hard it is to let go. :-(

Kevin, I hope God give you strength to face whatever it is to come your way. Please take care. :-d

Terrassie Lau - the Rising Phoenix said...

Clip, hope your cousin will be back in time to see his mother's last journey in life. And I hope your aunt will live another one or two days to see her son for the last time. You take care too.

Michelle said...

Take care Kevin. I pray you and your family have strength and faith.

God bless.

TheWhisperer said...

Brother, when it's time for one to go, then it is time one must go. That's life's cycle.And it is applicable to all living creatures in this world.

From your detailed reflection/recollection here, your aunt would be glad that she has played her part in moulding you into such a fine, compassionate individual. All her efforts is not in vain.

Do not get too emotional. Hold yourself together and do what you must. Hold her and speak to her spiritually.

Loss of loved ones is always a painful process and it is inevitable that all of us have to go through it and come out of it appreciating and value life more.

Truly, Life is All about Letting Go.And it is through letting go, we learn to accept many mysteries of life itself.

'To Those I loved and Those who Loved Me'.

" When I am gone, release me, let me go,
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears;
Be happy for these precious years.

I gave to you my love, you can only guess,
How much you gave to me in happiness
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must;
It's only for a while that we must part,
So bless the memories within your heart.

I won't be far away, for life goes on;
So if you need me, call and I will come,
Though you can't see me or touch me, I'll be near,
And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
All of my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and say "welcome home."

These would be my last words when my time is up. I believe these words are in your aunt's thoughts now.

Be strong for those around you.

God bless and take care.